I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
