I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
