Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
