You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
