If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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