Me too!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
