Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
