Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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