so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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