I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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