I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
