Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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