my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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