At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
