Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
