i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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