is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
