those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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