my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
