margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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