I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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