I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
