That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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