Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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