Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
