I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
