there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
