Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
