Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
