I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
