sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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