forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
