I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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