I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
