i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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