my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Barsexuality is the new black.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
