I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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