this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
