you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
