woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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