remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
