I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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