no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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