I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
