Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
