May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
