I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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