im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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