she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
