My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just found a bag of teeth...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
