No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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