FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
