Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
