yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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